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One of the things Teresa and I love to do in our spare time is peruse mibor.com for new houses on the market, visit new model homes, and drive through new and different neighborhoods.  And of course we watch all of the HGTV house shows.  We both just really love houses.  This can be a dangerous hobby for us, in that we do end up moving often as a result of this interest.  

Lately I started thinking about the ways in which house shopping is, and isn't, like relationship shopping.  I can't help myself.  All of my neural pathways seem to lead right back to relationships.  

What I have come to realize is that shopping for a relationship has one significant advantage over shopping for a house.  Dating allows both parties the opportunity to try the relationship on - to  assess the other's suitability as a partner before a commitment is necessary.  

With a house you are pretty much expected to make the second largest investment you'll make, with just a couple of visits, an appraisal, and a 3-4 hour inspection.
You might seek approval from friends and family, then just like that you commit.  No sleep over, no test drive, no mowing the lawn or cleaning the house to see how long it takes, and no trial run to see if your life fits well in the new house.  Wait, maybe that isn't much different than lesbian dating afterall?

If a house is the second largest investment, what's the largest investment we make? Right - our primary relationship!  And like houses, they can be difficult to maintain, and even harder to renovate.  

The good news about dating though, is that dating allows you the opportunity tonot only try on one relationship, but to try on as many as you'd like.  There's no penalty for shopping around, and in fact you may even be able to rule out some potential partners who are not comfortable with your wish to do so.  Women are not houses. You are allowed to have more than a couple of visits, and a 3-4 hour inspection before you commit.  The appraisal? Well, that's on you.  Which is why it is important to spend time dating.  

How do you appraise a new potential partner?

When we shop for a relationship, we are looking for a partner with whom we consider suitable to share our life.  

My Realtor is big on the importance of liking the layout of a home.  He says you can change the colors, carpet, landscaping, and improve the appliances, etc... but the layout is the layout.  I think the translation for this when it comes to dating is, be sure you are investing in the kind of woman that you like, just as she is.  Do not invest in potential.  Invest in a relationship that is already what you appreciate and desire, rather than what you think it CAN be.  

Unlike houses, fixer-uppers do not make good relationship investments.  Be sure the relationship you are attracting is already good enough.  Do not be lured into a commitment by the potential of what could be.  

So spread the word, ladies.  Share this public service announcement with as many lesbians as possible.

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Attention all lesbians.  Just in, the latest discovery in lesbian dating:  It is not only absolutely acceptable for women to date more than one woman at a time, it is actually encouraged that you do so before committing.  

P.S. People are not like houses - so never, ever, ever invest in a fixer-upper, unless it's a house.

 Coming out to people is sometimes more of a process than an event.  Yesterday, I had a conversation at dinner with a retired Marine officer who spent 34 years as an active duty Marine.  He started his career as enlisted, got his college education through the Corps, was wounded in Vietnam…he is really a remarkable person.  Maybe because he started out as an enlisted Marine, he lives to support the Soldiers here in southern Iraq where we both currently live and work.

   He was telling me about a magazine article he read recently about how couples in America are increasingly deciding NOT to have children.  “Do you know what segment of our society is most likely to want a traditional family?” he asked me in astonishment.  I thought for a moment and answered “gay couples?”  “YES!”, he said.  Isn’t it ironic that the group that is most cited by the right for being responsible for destroying family values is the one group upholding them?”  I explained that the gay community comes together as a family and builds strong ties among friends because often their own families reject them. 

  Keep in mind, I am not out to anyone over here.  Until Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is finally, really finished, I do have something to lose.  I won’t rest easy until that day does come and I am counting the minutes!

  This morning, the topic came up again.  He brought it up.  It culminated in him telling me this story that I just have to share.  It is a wonderful story! The Marine’s name is Mike and his wife’s name was Gloria.

   He said it started when Gloria decided she wanted to see and x-rated movie because she had never seen one.  So Mike took her to see “Deep Throat”.  Not 20 minutes into the movie, Gloria’s curiosity was satisfied and they left the theatre and went to a nearby establishment called …uh…”The Stage Door”?  Something like that.  It was a place where food was served and the waiters and waitresses entertained with musical numbers and dancing.  They had a great time and continued to go to the place as often as once a week after that. 

  The piano player was obviously gay and he would greet regular customers often with a hug.  Remember, Mike was a Marine and would often meet his wife still in his uniform at the restaurant.  He said he was a huge homophobe and every time the piano player would come in for a hug he would just stiffen up and cringe – deflecting the greeting.   Gloria hit it off immediately with the pianist’s partner who was a registered nurse Mike described as “flaming”. 

  Mike’s daughter Elizabeth was just a toddler when Gloria became pregnant with a second child.  As fate would have it, Mike was called to deploy before the baby was born and off he went.  Not long after arriving in country, Mike got a Red Cross message that his wife was in the hospital and not expected to survive.  Mike got leave and flew home.

  He told me that he was in the kitchen of his home and had just finished making breakfast for Elizabeth when he saw an old, beat up VW Beetle pull up in front of the house and stop.  A HUGE, scruffy looking, bearded man in a mu-mu and carrying a purse came up the walkway and knocked on the door.  When Mike answered it, the man opened the screen door like he was an old friend and entered the house.  Mike said “WHO are you?  WHAT are you?”  The man just introduced himself and said “Oh I have heard all about you.  I am here to watch Elizabeth.  You need to go to Gloria.  She needs you!”  Mike called the nurse friend of Gloria’s to confirm that this man was a friend of Gloria and had watched Elizabeth before and will take good care of her.  So Mike left and went to the hospital.

  Gloria had come down with pancreatitis.  The only chance she had was to give birth to the baby naturally as soon as possible.  Since she had a C-section with Elizabeth, it was a big gamble, but the best chance they had for survival of both the mother and the baby.  “Fortunately, “ he said, “ the little asshole was skinny and he made it through the birth canal.”  Everything turned out ok.

  He ended the story by saying.  All my Marine friends and their wives promised to look after the wife and kids and take care of them while I was gone.  In the end it was the gay community that took care of them.  That made me have to reevaluate what it means to be a man. 

   I have tears in my eyes as I type this.  I am so proud of that little band of individuals for whom regulations forbid them to serve the country as Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen or Marines.  Yet they supported this fine Marine when he needed the support the most.  I have said this many times and it bears repeating;  It is important to be the best person you can be.  People will change their minds about the label when they understand that the label isn’t the person.  Prejudice comes from fear and ignorance.  Love conquers all.  

  I am certain that Mike has figured out where it is I am coming from.  He said to me he didn't want to know who he was working with was gay because he had no need to know.  It didn't matter.  In that moment I knew that he knew, he didn't care and it didn't matter.  I doubt that we will ever discuss the subject again and that is ok.  

  The day will come when it really won't matter.  The day will come when people will be puzzled by the whole idea of someone not being allowed to be a Soldier or be allowed to marry who he/she really loves and be gay.   Until that day comes, we all will have these little victories.  Those moments in time when understanding is reached and acceptance is acknowledged. 

How Many People are LGBT? by Gary J. Gates, Williams Distinguished Scholar

Executive Summary

Increasing numbers of population-based surveys in the United States and across the world include questions that allow for an estimate of the size of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) population. This research brief discusses challenges associated with collecting better information about the LGBT community and reviews eleven recent US and international surveys that ask sexual orientation or gender identity questions. The brief concludes with estimates of the size of the LGBT population in the United States.

Key findings from the research brief are as follows:

• An estimated 3.5% of adults in the United States identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and an estimated 0.3% of adults are transgender.
• This implies that there are approximately 9 million LGBT Americans, a figure roughly equivalent to the population of New Jersey.
• Among adults who identify as LGB, bisexuals comprise a slight majority (1.8% compared to 1.7% who identify as lesbian or gay).
• Women are substantially more likely than men to identify as bisexual. Bisexuals comprise more than half of the lesbian and bisexual population among women in eight of the nine surveys considered in the brief. Conversely, gay men comprise substantially more than half of gay and bisexual men in seven of the nine surveys.
• Estimates of those who report any lifetime same-sex sexual behavior and any same-sex sexual attraction are substantially higher than estimates of those who identify as LGB. An estimated 19 million Americans (8.2%) report that they have engaged in same-sex sexual behavior and nearly 25.6 million Americans (11%) acknowledge at least some same-sex sexual attraction.
• Understanding the size of the LGBT population is a critical first step to informing a host of public policy and research topics. The surveys highlighted in this report demonstrate the viability of sexual orientation and gender identity questions on large national population-based surveys. Adding these questions to more national, state, and local data sources is critical to developing research that enables a better understanding of the understudied LGBT community.

Full article at:  http://www3.law.ucla.edu/williamsinstitute/pdf/How-many-people-are-LGBT-Final.pdf

The number one night wear for lesbians is good old pajamas.  Fancy that.

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